Normal....? Why do we all use the terminology of normal? Nothing is normal, nothing is the same. We live each day thinking our life is normal, but what we don't seem to grasp is how abnormal our lives actually are. There are things that happen to us every day that shape us, change us, mold us into the people we will be in the future. No matter how old you get, or how much of life you experience, each day holds new possibilities for you.
I see people everywhere, none of them are looking at me. No one talks to me, or asks how I am doing. They are smiling and laughing, so I smile in laugh to prove I fit in, prove I should be accepted. I try to start conversations to see if they will ask me questions, see how my night was; but they just go on about themselves. They tell me what is new in their life, the new girls or guys they are dating/seeing, the new job, or new car they have, why they are just so happy to be living. I patiently wait for my turn. I give the proper responses and quite acknowledgements to show I am actively listening. Their almost done, my turn must be coming soon. With one final nod and huge smile from me, they turn and walk away telling me to have a good day.
They don't know anything about my day, they don't know that I've secretly been crying in the bathroom all morning, or just had a fight with my mom, but none the less they somehow want me to have a good one. My heart is crushed as I realize, they don't care about me. They don't want to hear that I'm having a bad day, they don't want to know how hard it was to drag myself from my bed this morning. The sun is shining in their life, and they won't let any cloudy skies ruin it.
It's only been a month since Matt has gone, but it feels like much longer. Each passing day it is more evident that he is actually gone and not coming back. His life is over. His place in my life has been left empty. But it is more than empty, it is like a black hole has taken the place of Matt and is starting to suck everything into oblivion. I try to grasp at the pieces being torn from my existence, but the force is much stronger than I am. Things are slipping and for the first time, I don't have an answer.
1 comment:
Angela, this post broke my heart. I'm so sorry about all the pain you're going through. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. While I don't understand completely, I do know the void that is left when someone you love passes away. I'm still getting over my grandfather passing away 5 months ago. It's hard dealing with the pain of losing a loved one, but it helps to know the plan of salvation, and knowing that we'll be able to see them again. Please Angela, let me know if you need someone to talk to. You shouldn't have to keep quiet about how you're feeling, and put on a facade that you're ok. It's good to express how you're feeling. I'm here to listen if you need me.
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