Matthew Joseph Shaw

**WARNING THIS POST MAY CONTAIN GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS. PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO SUICIDE**

My oldest brother Matt decided life wasn't worth living Friday September 3rd. He packed up his room, wrote a note, grabbed a gun, went outside and shot himself in the head. Where in the head, I wasn't told, but I was told we weren't allowed to see the body due to the wound he inflicted. Nice job Matt... I can't even say goodbye to you properly.

Matt was always the odd man out. He was a weirdo, and I loved him. He loved video games, card games, and really any game you were willing to play. He was always up for a "quick" round of Monolopy or just making something up with whatever we had lying around. Of course you can't forget him being a Star Wars fan, Trekie, Battle Star Galatica, and StarGate fanatic. And as for sports.... Matt didn't take kindly to sports. He wasn't very coordinated and he just couldn't get the knack of kicking a ball, or throwing a touchdown.

It's hard for me to imagine him being gone. He lived away from Utah for so much of my grown-up life that I can't help but think of him sitting up in Charlie's House, on his computer. With his big goofy grin on  his face and his Old School Nintendo paddle belt buckle holding up his, already, too tight pants.

When I found out he killed himself I had to know everything, how did he do it, where, did he leave a note? Then when some of those were answered I wanted more, where in the head, why can't I see him, did he love me, did he know I loved him? I wanted to see every detail of his face, even if part of it was blown off. Not to be gross, but I wanted to see the fatal shot, see what it did to him, know if he suffered.

I have so many great memories of Matt and I am going to miss all that he brought to our family. For any of you that knew him, I'm sorry for your loss and the pain he has caused. I know he is finally in a place where his existence can make sense and he can't create his own reality to confuse it all over again.

Now I pray the Lord can help me through this without losing my own reality. It seems so much easier to think of him as living and all this just some big joke I have to play along with. Thank you to those who have shown your love and support for me, I can't tell you how it has helped fill the hole Matt left in my heart.

Be patient with me if I seem too negative or down, I honestly don't know how to do this, how do you say goodbye to a brother?